Dear Lyla and Simon,
We are about five weeks away from welcoming your new sibling into our family and your mama is basically counting down the days (and hoping the countdown is a littler shorter than that).
Man, do I feel guilty admitting that.
I really don’t want to wish away the last few weeks that we have together as a family of four. We are in a great groove right now. We’ve figured out schedules that work for us. We’re happy.
But, babies, I’m a much better mom when I’m not pregnant.
As we near the end of this pregnancy, I find myself feeling guilty all the time.
Like when you ask me to chase you around the coffee farm and I can’t.
When all you want is to be held but my swollen body is just too tired to hold you for another minute.
When I skip out on family trips to the playground so I can have a few minutes in silence with my feet up.
When you tell me your belly hurts and my initial thought is “oh no, I don’t have the energy to be up all night”.
The bigger my belly gets, the shorter my fuse becomes. My nightly prayers are filled with cries to the Lord for more patience.
I start each day with the best intentions, and I almost always feel like I come up short.
It’s those times when I feel like a terrible mom. Like I’m failing you both.
But, somehow, you both know just when I need you to crawl into my lap for the extra snuggles. When I can’t break up another fight in the car so, instead, you hold hands. Your sweet little hearts are so loving and forgiving and I am beyond grateful for that.
I know I’ll have hard days when there are three of you running around the house. With each new stage there will be an adjustment period. I will never be a perfect mom, but with the complications from this pregnancy behind me, I know I will be able to do a better job than I am doing now. Because, babies, I’m a much better mom when I’m not pregnant.
Thank you for loving me always. For reminding me on a daily basis what sweet, loving beings you are. I can’t wait to see you in your new roles as big brother and sister (again!).
I Love You,